Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
