Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
