I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize