GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
