People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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