I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
