today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
