all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
