There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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