Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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