so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
