So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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