I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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