she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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