You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize