you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
