i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
