guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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