You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
