On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
