My girlfriend figured out who you are.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
