I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
