I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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