My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
