Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
