i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
