last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
love makes seman taste better
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
