Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
