If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
