You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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