My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
