Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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