we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
