You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
