the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
