I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
