My sheets look like a crime scene.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize