i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
