what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
