Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
