Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Too much gin, very little bucket
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
