This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
