i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
