We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
