Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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