just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
