OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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