I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
