Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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