May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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