I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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