Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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