apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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