Well apparently he's into motor boating.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
