At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
