Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
